Tartan Answers

Sent to me by a like minded football fan, not bust a gut funny, but a rueful smile:
Jokes that only work in Scotland
>
> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist & settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist.
> “Govan,” she replies.
>
> What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.
>
> A guy walks into an antiques shop & says: “How much for the set of antlers?”
> “Two hundred quid,” says the bloke behind the counter.
> “That’s affa deer,” says the guy.
>
> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks & cement? He’s awa’ noo.
>
> After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt. “And what’s the tartan?” asks his mate. “Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,” he replies.
>
> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
>
> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
>
> Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop & complains that there is a lace missing.
> “No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan .”
>
> What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones & an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.” And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: “Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.”
>
> What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.
>
> What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
>
> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: “What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?”
> “I’d put him off at the next stop,” he says.
> “Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t get the fare?”
> “I’d take the first two weeks in August,” he replies.
>
> Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative – “Aye right.”
>
> A Glasgow man – steaming & skint – is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. “What’s up, Jimmy?” he asks. “Piston broke,” he replies. “Aye, same as masel…”

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Two Young men from Glasgow, Archie & Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going like magic,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already – the flowers, the church, the cars,
the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…”
Archie nods approvingly.
“Man, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie. “That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
“Oh,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white.”

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A man who likes watching too much football, beats his wife & kids.
The kids therefore scream for Mummy when Daddy hits them.
He eats the most & is extremely strong, strong enough to bend bars of steel.
He thumps the stairs when he walks & he is so heavy that he caused his wife to roll off the bed due to the displacement.
He forces his children to eat dinner, & they cannot leave the table until they do, even if it means starving to death.
They have to go to bed at 5pm & not get up until 10am.
They have to do all the house work for Daddy, otherwise he will get out his ‘black & decker’ electric drill & drill a hole in their heads if they don’t.
This is in a house with 70’s wall paper, an avocado bathroom & the smell of roast dinner that isn’t cooked very well all the time.
The kitchen utensils smell of chip fat due to not being washed up for so long, & the tray in the oven has to be cleaned with an orbital sander.
They continuously do bodge up DIY jobs & the children have to help or they are sent to bed for a month, & grounded for a year.
Daddy also wears an old fashioned jumper with diamond patterns on them, with tweed trousers & a white tartan type shirt that men in their 50’s usually wear.
He walks around with a crow bar & threatens the kids with it & drink larger all day.
The garden is a tip & you all live on a counsel estate, & the wife is threatening to put her husband on ‘Jerry Springer’ because he beat her until both her arms were broken.
Is that like your Daddy?
CREED

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Abide with Me
Ally’s Tartan Army
Aussie
Blaydon Races
Blue Is the Colour (Chelsea Football Club song)
Blue Moon
California Sun
Campione 2000
Can You Hear Me
Cant del Barça
Carefree
Carnaval de Paris
Come on England
Come on You Reds
Coup de Boule
Diamond Lights (Glenn & Chris song)
Ee Aye Addio
England
European Song
Famine song
Glad All Over
Glory Glory Leeds United
Glory Glory Man United
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur
Go West
Goodnight, Irene
The Greasy Chip Butty Song
Hail to the Redskins
Hey! Baby
Home Newcastle
Hurry Up England
Jonny Hurst
I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles
I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
If You’re All Going to Wembley Clap Your Hands
Im Herzen von Europa
The Liquidator
Marching On Together
My Old Man
No One Likes Us – We Don’t Care
OU Chant
Oggy Oggy Oggy
On The Ball, City
Premier League, You’re Havin’ A Laugh
Put ‘Em Under Pressure
Ready to Go
Siquitibum
Song of the Clyde
Stand Up!
Stern des Südens
Steve Bloomer’s Watchin
Sussex by the Sea
Sweet Caroline
Ten German Bombers
The Celtic Song
Three Lions
Tous ensemble
Two World Wars, One World Cup
Vamos vamos Argentina
Vindaloo
We Are England
We Are the Storm
We Have A Dream
We’ll Meet Again
We’re gonna win the league
The Wheelbarrow song
When the Saints Go Marching In in sport
Who Ate All the Pies?
World at Your Feet
World in Motion
You Are My Sunshine
You Gotta Be A Football Hero
You are the pride of Macedonia
You’ll Never Walk Alone
You’re Not Singing Anymore
Zidane y va marquer

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ive been to h&m a coupleof times, the clothes that they sell are cheap, & “it” but dont you guys think h&m just a big cheap knock-off from other famous fashions…like last year, they got alot of 90s vintage sport jacket look a likes cos those are popular again…and lots of 60’s ww2 fishtail parka cos those things are back in fashion now…and the skinny fit jeans are like the knock off from levis 511…and the tartan duffle coats from buberry & peacoats…and also why there are so many gay lads working at h&m…its creepy…Gap at least still sell clothes for the nerdy kids but h&m…whatever…

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Hi, I found this Charlie Brown dress in the DFO in Essendon VIC but it was one size too small for me. The tag read “Lt. Commander Andrew Charlie” or something like that. It was a thick material with a tartan/plaid pattern in browns & golds, the neck was high & the hemline was slightly asymmetrical, falling just past the knee. Sleeveless. Anyone know where I can find one of these again in sz 12? Sorry, I don’t know which collection it is from. Any info at all would be appreciated. I have contacted Charlie Brown designs but nobody ever replies!! Please help. Thanks.

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According to the report, Michelle Obama was at a rally & the staff for Barack Obama was asking for more white people during the event….
Why did they want more white people?
Here’s what the article says in short:
The Tartan’s correspondents observed one event coordinator say to another, “Get me more white people, we need more white people.” To an Asian girl sitting in the back row, one coordinator said, “We’re moving you, sorry. It’s going to look so pretty, though.”
“I didn’t know they would say, ‘We need a white person here,’?” said attendee & senior psychology major Shayna Watson, who sat in the crowd behind Mrs. Obama. “I understood they would want a show of diversity, but to pick up people & to reseat them, I didn’t know it would be so outright.”http://www.thetartan.org/20

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It is a medium brown, very fine cotton with many small tassels around the edge & three large tassels at each corner. It has a plaid or tartan pattern rather then a check. I was there on business (and found a deep respect for the Qatari people) & did a lot of shopping (what else is there to do in Doha LOL). I did not see another one like it & have not ever seen one for sale online. I use it as a prayer shawl now (I am Crypto-Jew, family has been since 1640’s, very esoteric practices). Thanks in advance!

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I know its a totally stupid question; but are there any things that shouldnt be worn with shorts? Im having a lot of trouble finding clothes… And when it comes to fashion Im totally clueless.
Im 15 years old, 4′11, definately not skinny but not too fat i guess… White skin, dark brown hair, hazel eyes… Larger waist & hips.
I dont want to wear t shirts all the time because they make me look really stupid. And a lot of tops are too long for me because Im so short so im having trouble finding stuff.
Please help me! At the moment I own grey tartan shorts that go half way up my thighs, & black shorts a little bit longer. But any other kinds of shorts you could recommend would be good too =]

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told you to walk around for 3 years in the buff…like Isaiah….
would you obey?
Isaiah 20
1In the year that Tartan came unto Ashdod, (when Sargon the king of Assyria sent him,) & fought against Ashdod, & took it;
2At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah the son of Amoz, saying, Go & loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, & put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked & barefoot.
3And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked & barefoot three years for a sign & wonder upon Egypt & upon Ethiopia;
4So shall the king of Assyria lead away the Egyptians prisoners, & the Ethiopians captives, young & old, naked & barefoot, even with their buttocks uncovered, to the shame of Egypt.
5And they shall be afraid & ashamed of Ethiopia their expectation, & of Egypt their glory.
6And the inhabitant of this isle shall say in that day, Behold, such is our expectation, whither we flee for help to be delive

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Two Glaswegians, Erchie & Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy’s forthcoming wedding…..
‘Och, it’s all goin’ pure brilliant,’ says Jimmy. ‘A’ve got everythin’organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the meenister. Even ma stag night’.
Erchie nods approvingly.
‘I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continues Jimmy.
‘A kilt?’ exclaims Erchie, ‘that’s braw, you’ll look pure smairt in
that’!
‘An’ whit’s the tartan?’ Erchie then enquires.
‘Och,’ says Jimmy, ‘A’d imagine she’ll be in white!’

Popularity: unranked [?]

http://www.rocknruin.co.nz/shop/Womens+C…http://www.darksideclothing.com/acatalog…http://www.darksideclothing.com/acatalog…
their not at hot topic,
and perferably online in the US.

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Hi, im doing a poem explication & Im trying to figure out what kind of rhythmic scheme the poem valediction by seamus heaney uses. Here is the poem:
Lady with the frilled blouse
And simple tartan skirt
Since you have left the house
Its emptiness has hurt
All thought. In your presence
Time rode easy, anchored
On a smile; but absence
Rocked love’s balance, unmoored
the days. They buck & bound
Across the calendar
Pitched from the quiet sound
Of your flower-tender
voice. Need breaks on my strand;
You’ve gone, I am at sea.
Until you resume command
Self is in mutiny.

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hoodie from the UK in a size 10 or 12 (ive tried ebay & no luck!)??http://www.flickr.com/photos/rodolfochka…
Dont care if u like avril or not, just interested in the hoodie!
Oh & while im here what colour top (apart from white or black) would go with some grey tartan trousers (the punky fish ones…)??
Cheers guys lots of love! xx

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The Scotch – what a verminous race!
Canny, pushy, chippy, they’re all over the place,
Battening off us with false bonhomie,
Polluting our stock,
undermining our economy.
Down with sandy hair & knobbly knees!
Suppress the tartan dwarves & the Wee Frees!
Ban the kilt, the skean-dhu & the sporran
As provocatively, offensively foreign!
It’s time Hadrian’s Wall was refortified
To pen them in a ghetto on the other side.
I would go further. The nation
Deserves not merely
isolation
But comprehensive
extermination.
We must not flinch from a solution.
(I await legal prosecution.)

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I had the engine rebuilt a few months after buying it, & I just had the body mostly restored & a fresh coat of light blue paint over it. I keep it tuned up, was advised to change the oil when the oil gets dark black [not necessarily waiting for the 3000 mile mark]. My mechanic says the carburetor needs a rebuild. I want to re-upholster the seats in my family’s hunting tartan. Any advise about anything to improve her is appreciated.

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so ok here is what happened, im gettin married in august & i wanted my bridesmaid to be wearing blue, but my soon to be mother-in-law suggested green as it is the main colour in the grooms family tartan & they will all be wearing green jackets (i had already been considering green but settled on blue) so my fiance demands that i change the dress colour to green so after considerable deliberation & discussions with my mum i decided that i could opt for a light green like a mint or something really pale but still green, & purely because my soon to be mother-in-law had a point it would look better if she was in green, so i told my fiance that we would change it to pale green & he now tells me it has to be the same or similar shade of green as thier jackets so she would be wearing a dark green dress…..
my question is this, should i just put her in the colour of green he wants or have i compromised enough by putting her in any shade of green when i really wanted her in blue?

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im going to my cousins 18th birthday party
and im wearing
a strapless black dress with a largeish tartan bow on
with this sort of hat on http://img3.musiciansfriend.com/dbase/pi…
and black high heels
or i will wear
a dark grey top with a silver belt round the waist
with a pain of jeans
and what ever shoes tickles my fancy
what outfit should i wear

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ok its my friends birthday this saturday & theres a big group of us going out for a pub crawl n to the nightclubs
she has decided the theme is Naughty Skool Girls (her spelling!)
so i have got a white shirt & a red tartan mini skirt & knee high black boots (i dont usually wear them together!) but im not sure if i should wear black or red fishnet tights sinc emy boots are black & my skirt is red
help!!! & also what colour knickers should i wear???

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I have enclosed pictures but they are not of very high quality, sorry!
But hopefully you’ll get the general idea. It’s dark blue in colour, with a tartan-like pattern (green & white lines).
I like it very much, but I’m afraid that I don’t know what to wear underneath it, (style-wise & colour-wise).
Also, should i wear coloured tights or jeans? I’d be more comfortable in jeans although I prefer tights.
Shapehttp://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh210…
Patternhttp://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh210…
On me:http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh210…
And a couple more just in case:http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh210…http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh210…

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